Overwhelmed by Solitude

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At this stage of Midlife and being a caregiver for a spouse with lung disease I am always Overwhelmed with Solitude. There is two specific reasons for this Overwhelming feeling.

First of all the sadness of future solitude. There are days I can not even look at couples holding hands or even pictures of friends out on dates.  I don’t say a thing, just smile. It isn’t their fault or even jealousy, it just part of facing the future of solitude. At this stage of care-giving you have a thousand secret thoughts each day. 

Second of the two is my personal Solitude, I absolutely appreciate sitting by the lake all alone with a good book or just my thoughts. The Overwhelmed part of Solitude here is the guilt. Thought of do I deserve this time in the sun by the water while my spouse sits inside on oxygen.  

Well I imagine you have come to the conclusion that each day solitude for a care-giver is overwhelming. Overwhelmed of thoughts of being alone the rest of your days or thoughts of if I don’t get to have solitude soon, I will be no good for anyone.  Are you a caregiver for a spouse? Do you struggle with overwhelmed thoughts of solitude? Feedback would be very helpful at these stages.

 

Overwhelming

Solitude

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Full Circle of Life

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As I take a deep breath and exhale slowly while staring into the fire; It dawns on me I’ve done this before many moons ago. 

Our first apartment had a gas burning fireplace right in the center of the apartment. The apartment was small and cozy just like the Cozy Condo. Room with the fireplace was the room the young couple chose to make their bedroom. The fireplace kept her warm and cozy while he worked late at night. Each Thursday he would remind her they would go to the lake once more when he arrived in the morning. 

After sending him out on Thursday’s she would busily get the apartment cleaned up including the bed and end up making a pallet in front of the fireplace and have a suitcase sitting by the door. He never knew about the pallet because the apartment was clean and tidy when they returned. 

Now 32 years later he sleeps in a bed just on the other side of the wall and she stares into the fire wondering what he would think if he found her on a pallet in front of the fireplace.  It seems I have come full-circle considering we started in a small cozy apartment with a fireplace, took several trips to that lake and now live in a small cozy condo with a fireplace. 

It is quite possible if your reading this you are in your midlife age. Have you realized a part of you has come full circle?  Let me know.